I was sort of seeing two guys. I picked one, but I’ll let you guess.
I met one ages ago on OKCupid when Chris and I split up and I was really trying to make some friends. He’s dark and brooding, handsome but knows it, plays a shit ton of video games and smokes a shit ton of cigs… we talk about movies and records and he reminds me faintly of a brooding John Cusak in High Fidelity. But he lives close by, he has a car, he has a great job, he takes me out… but there’s still that selfish side that I see peeking through that maybe won’t fair well in the long run. I also have this nagging feeling that I’ll never be good enough for him. Basically, he’s the bad (but very convenient) boy.
The other I met a few weeks ago on OKCupid and our first date was really sweet. He lives in Takoma with no car, so he metroed to King St. and walked down to the pub to meet me. He’s a big guy – tall, handsome, nice smile, and I feel instantly comfortable with him. He’s currently temping and doesn’t have a lot of job prospects though, so his constant self-deprecation is a tiny turn-off. Still, he’s funny and smart, and we talk about family and Ireland and what we want for our futures — basically, things that really warm my heart. He’s definitely the good (but inconvenient) boy.
When I found out the lump had grown last week, I told them both, and decided to choose partly based on their responses. Bad boy admitted that he was scared and good boy said it was a lot to be thinking about as we just met…. but I knew in my heart that surgery was in my near future, so there was no point in sugar coating it.
So, you know that scene in “When Harry Met Sally” where Harry and Sally are arguing about the end of Casablanca?
Sally: You're wrong. Harry: I'm not wrong, he wants... Sally: You're wrong. Harry: ...he wants her to leave that's why he puts her on the plane. Sally: I don't think she wants to stay. Harry: Of course she wants to stay. Wouldn't you rather be with Humphrey Bogart than the other guy? Sally: I don't want to spend the rest of my life in Casablanca married to a man who runs a bar. I probably sound very snobbish to you but I don't. Harry: You'd rather be in a passionless marriage. Sally: And be the first lady of Czechoslovakia. Harry: Than live with the man you've had the greatest sex of you life with, and just because he owns a bar and that is all he does. Sally: Yes. And so had any woman in her right mind, woman are very practical, even Ingrid Bergman which is why she gets on the plane at the end of the movie.
Needless to say… I got on the plane. I’m not sure about it, and gosh I hate the smell/taste of those cigarettes, but he’s got a job and security and a car and he lives near me…. those are all the wrong reasons to like someone, but right now, those seem very, very important. My heart says GOOD BOY, but my brain says BAD BOY and like Sally says: “so would any woman in her right mind, women are very practical”. Sigh. I hope I’m making the right decision.
*Edited to be made public on 2/29/12*