brca bullshit

What’s the big deal about “I love you” anyway?

I just accidentally told my brand new boyfriend (GB) of just about a month that I loved him. I didn’t mean to say it – I meant to say “I love all these things about you” … but then I said it. By accident… but, in a strange kind of way, I meant it. The thing is, I didn’t mean it the way you normally mean it when you say it to someone you’re dating. To his credit, he was so graceful and kind about it (as is his way), saying that he he cared about me a lot and that he just wanted a little more time to be sure of his feelings … and I finally had to stop him and explain how I was feeling when I said it.

When I got off that BB plane, I was a mess. The last thing he said to me about our relationship was “I’m just not that attracted to you”. I felt like an ant getting ready to be squashed by a giant foot. I felt so tiny and insignificant that I would come home and hold my cats like little babies and sob about the fact that the last man ever to see my beautiful, perky, perfect natural breasts was someone who didn’t even appreciate them. I was wrecked. So wrecked, in fact, that random friends and family members had to start showing up and checking on me … I suspect to make sure I wasn’t dead.

Then, just after my birthday (aka doomsday), enter GB, patient as ever. He saved me. He understood why I made the decision I did regarding that damn plane, he listened as I lamented my poor choice, and in one evening undid all that BB destruction. He was *present*, and listened and just knew that what I needed was to feel like a person. What I needed was not to be afraid, to be perhaps a little distracted and comforted. So, I’m owning this. The reasons I love him are this, (whatever kind of love we’re talking about):

  • He lets me cry. And he doesn’t even tell me when I look ugly and blotchy and snotty and gross. He holds me tight and sometimes wipes away my tears.
  • He tells me I’m beautiful. Clothed, unclothed, semi-clothed… he appreciates me, and understands the sacrifice I’m going to make. He is sad for the same reasons I’m sad… and relieved and excited for the same reasons I’m relieved and excited. He is ready for me to feel at peace and be healthy.
  • We can talk about anything. I mean anything. Gross bathroom things included.
  • He is so smart I learn something every time I talk to him.
  • He charms my friends (the few that he’s met, anyway).
  • He calls me every day he’s not with me… and not because I ask him to, but because he wants to.
  • He loves kids. He smiles at them, and talks about them fondly, and they love him right back. He wants kids. He is a kid-minded man. There are few of those left in the world.
  • My cat (my evil cat – yes, the one that is on prozac!) is in love with him. Here is photographic proof ————————–>20120304-224339.jpg
  • He endures hours of shopping with me and keeps the eye-rolling to a minimum. When I held up a shirt with a wide neck and asked if I would be able to step into it, he said, “no, babe, your hips are too big”. Honesty is important, right? 😛
  • He does the dishes a lot.
  • He did laundry last weekend too. [Edit: and this weekend!]
  • He’s very, very, very, very, very sweet/handsome/everythingyouwantinaman
  • He wants to meet my parents, so we’re going up next weekend!

I think he understands more now how I meant it. Not in a relationship “big step” way, but more in a “this is the best thing that could have happened to me ever and I’m loving every moment of it” way. I am so grateful for second chances. I’d say it a million times if I had to, just to convey the gift he gave me (and continues to give me). What a lucky girl I truly am.

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