brca bullshit

Feeling scared.

I know it’s hard to admit when we feel scared, but I went to bed last night feeling scared and didn’t sleep a wink. I’m exhausted, weepy and altogether not myself, and as it’s my last week of work before the surgery, I’m really feeling pressured to get a lot done. I have an appointment with my head shrinker tomorrow, but I’m almost wondering if I shouldn’t call her today….

Also, last night J and I had a conversation that I thought was just a conversation, but he read more like an annoying discussion/minor argument. I didn’t even realize that he was upset until he said the word “goodbye” in a weird tone – so I obsessed over that all night wondering what I did that could have caused him to be upset with me. That got me super emotional because I’m so afraid of everything falling apart right now or projecting my frustrations on him or pressuring him or doing anything except making him as happy as he makes me … it’s like a time travel trip back to January to before the medicines and the yoga and the meditation, and THOSE WERE NOT GOOD TIMES.

Then, it got worse: after no sleep at all, when I got up, I completely forgot that I had my scheduled pre-op conversation today, and she told me that if I had any sign of an infection to go to my doctor immediately. I get off the phone with her, go to the bathroom and suddenly I feel like I have a yeast infection! I wasn’t sure what to do – should I ignore it? Could it be problematic for my surgery? I’m kind of irritated and emotional and stressed… could it be a manifestation of that and not anything actual at all? I’ve been running around all day trying to ask different doctors if I can take this or that before the surgery and playing phone tag – I feel like everything is falling apart – and just yesterday I was *so* together!

I cannot wait for this to be over. If they move my surgery for a little yeast, I will LOSE. MY. SHIT. Still, I know my guardian angels up there will take care of me, so whatever happens will be for the best. I’m a little more zen now because of another calming call from J (who really does go above and beyond) and finally getting in touch with some of the doctors… just not my BS, who really needs to give me the okay to take the medicine. Fingers crossed.



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