brca bullshit

Getting Ready… 28 days!

My parents are saints because they’ve been dealing with my “I NEED THE LEACHCO BODY PILLOW” rants and my repeated requests for things like Dr. Pepper Chapstick, but here’s my list so far (for home and the hospital) – you tell me what I’m forgetting.

Already Have:

  • Two sets of silky front-button stretchy pajamas (GOODWILL!)
  • A silky robe to put over stuff at the hospital to make it easier to slide out of bed
  • Two sweatshirts with inside pockets to hold drains
  • A ZILLION tank tops that I can just pull up
  • Button down comfy shirts and dress shirts
  • Sweatpants of all colors shapes and sizes (I wish I could start wearing them now!)
  • Dr. Pepper Chapstick (about 5!)
  • Some dry shampoo from a dear friend
  • Netflix and Cable and zillions of books
  • Front closure bras of all shapes and sizes
  • Shower chair from my brother who JUST got over a really bad leg break

The rest is on my Amazon wishlist (my parents don’t quite get the concept so they may have already bought things…I know I will get all of these things, though – eventually):

What am I forgetting ladies?


Head Shrinking

A while back my PCP put me on some anti-anxiety meds and they allowed me to focus on what was going on a little better…but those tears still leaked out any time a touchy subject was brought up.

So, I made an appointment with the (note: ONLY) psychiatrist who deals with Medication mgmt in my insurance plan, and I went to see her. Boy was I surprised to find her eager to talk about my feelings, but also to explain why the anti-anxiety meds were taking the edge off, but not helping me as much with the sadness…so she prescribed me a heavy duty SSRI. Now, if I have to go on Tamoxifen, going to have to come off of it, but she thinks it will help with the emotional control. Mostly I’m just scared to be taking this many pills, but the more I read online, the more I realize that’s perfectly acceptable, especially in situational depression like mine.

So… drug me up some more, I guess, as I’ve got to get through 4 more weeks of work and the crying has GOT to stop. Seeing her again next Saturday, so let’s hope I see some good results with this pill…


Calmer Waters

Good Guy is back. Hesitantly at first, but now pretty solidly. It’s like I’m Ingrid Berman and I get a second chance with Humphrey Bogart!

The best part: he understands. He knows it’s tough to get here and that I won’t be able to drive for a while…he knows why I got on the plane, but even still, he waited for me to tell the pilot to turn around and head back to where I knew I should be. This decision makes MUCH more sense to me, even it isn’t the most “pragmatic” decision.

Sigh. We’ll see how he feels after the surgery, but just now, things are feeling pretty damn good.

*Edited to be made public 3/1/12*


Rough Seas Ahead

I feel pretty abandoned these days.

  • Boyfriend left (said he “just wasn’t attracted to me” – coincidentally just a few days after he saw the biopsy site and helped me change the dressing). Just what you want to hear when you’re getting ready to completely alter your appearance…
  • Roommate left months ago to live with her boyfriend. I’ve slowly been spreading more of my things around, but I feel like if she comes home, she won’t have any space, so I’m constantly holding back. Mostly I just miss her company.
  • Ex-boyfriend, who swore up and down that he would be “there for me” has a crazy jealous new girlfriend who has a problem with him seeing me. I only moved to Virginia for him, no biggie. Sigh.

So, it’s been me and my Mom. She’s been taking random days off of work and hanging out with me, and that’s been nice. The meds are kind of helping, but I still feel like I want to cry every moment of every day. I’m not even sad or scared about this… I just feel so helpless and alone. I don’t want my cats to eat my face. 😦

*Edited to be made public 2/29/12*

brca bullshit

Young & Fugly

Why are there only “specialty” items for young mastectomy patients? WHERE ARE THE ZEBRA PRINT ZIP UP BRAS? Where is the lacy lingerie that doesn’t have 8 million hooks and eyes on the back of it? It’s no wonder we have body issues…we look like frumpy old ladies in what we can put on.

Honestly…do bra makers not see the market for this? Plunging neckline sports bras with front-closure so that I can wear a lower cut shirt? It will be MAY APRIL when I will be recovering…what am I going to do? Wear a turtle neck? C’mon Komen…you’ve “pinkwashed” everything else, so why is no one on this?

I refuse to wear this:


I feel alone in my outrage, though. Everyone just keeps telling me to deal with it…but I’m almost 30 and single – you try getting laid with a bra like that!

*Edited to be made public 2/22/12*