I can’t believe it’s been five weeks already.
More importantly, I can’t believe I still feel this awful after 5 weeks.
I know everyone was hoping I’d be feeling better, but apparently most people were expecting that I would be feeling better by now…and thus, they are frustrated with me, and I am frustrated with myself and around and around it goes.
I started week 2 of the Butrans pain patch last night after spending most of day 7 with the week 1 patch in complete agony. My back was on fire an both breasts felt heavy and sore and, well, damaged…it was like week 2 and 3 all over again! I put the new patch on (and promptly was covered in a rash all over the arm where patch 1 was…) and took Vicodin and Valium and went to bed.
I’m supposed to smile and pretend that I’m recovering and moving on with my life and that things are getting better, but really, I’m in constant pain, and my brain feels like Swiss Cheese. I can’t blame chemo…I can’t blame old age…but my memory is just…gone. Slowly I’m accomplishing tasks and checking off items on my list, but it’s taking forever-way too long, and thus, the frustration.
Also, as a side note,…who the fuck can get themselves and their necessary items to work and back without carrying more than 5lbs?! My CATS weigh more than 5lbs! I really have tried, but that is not a realistic expectation for patients who have to go back to work. Especially if that patient works in IT.
Bright Side:
My pain management doctor (Dr Ch) responds to emails on Saturdays and is constantly on top of things, offering suggestions to lessen the pain, unlike any of the doctors who were involved in the actual surgery. I would recommend him to anyone…when I see his emails checking in with me, I instantly feel heard and not ignored. Other than him, I’m done with all doctors associated with this surgery…although I’m not looking forward to finding new ones.
AND, my poor wonderful boyfriend (and wonderful parents!) continues to be supportive, and I believe with all my heart that he is the man I want to marry and spend the rest of my life with — even a few days apart from him make me so sad, and after that initial 3-month “honeymoon” period (which was so rushed because of the surgery, the poor man), he’s settled into a less physical and more loving, supporting role. I’m so grateful that a) he came back into my life b) he wasn’t scared away by the intense pace of all the crazy pre-surgery nonsense (family meet-and-greets, etc.) and c) that he is a “doer” – he just can’t sit and be lazy like I do, so he encourages me to be a tiny bit more productive and a tiny bit less “I’ll get to it tomorrow”. I’m sorry for the mush, but he’s just so amazingly wonderful that he balances out my complete and utter miserableness regarding the pain and the lack of energy.
[EDIT: I won my court case against my former employer for *ahem* a lot of money]
Up A (Giant) Hill 
Hey, it’s OK to feel like crap! Cut yourself some slack. You may hate your docs less once you’re feeling better, but it never hurts to get another opinion.
Lee, you are so positive! I like your style 🙂 (and your blog!)
Ugh. I hate that u feel Like this! 😦 I’m Sorry. I am however thrilled you have found a wonderful pain management doctor. My pain management Dr and physical therapist keep me going through this. Today is my 4 Week boob-iversary. If I didn’t have a 6 & 9 y.o. I don’t know how I’d be lifting -well I’d Just hurt more! They help a lot. & I Homeschool them & so they help all day & we’re doing light work. I can’t imagine going to work like you! U need/needed More time!!! Get one of those cheap foldable carts.
Here’s a list of different ones I found to give you ideas.
http://www.ebay.com/sch/i.html?_nkw=folding+cart
I have a rolling cart that I use, but even pulling it (if there’s more than a few things in it) is hard! I don’t know how you do it with little ones!!
I’m sorry. I can’t imagine pulling a cart ; -( damn going through this just sucks!
Also I am feel like I am having setbacks & feel like u, like I’m going backwards. & as far as ur brain…it is like that because your brain is having to work SO Hard to heal ur body & (bcuz ur working its even harder on ur brain) its brain or body- not both… & yes at This point ur over “it” & so is everyone else. I get that I’m in the same spot. Well, its not over & won’t be for some time. Now is the point where your going To over do it & pay for it-i know I am. It not worth it! Screw! “them” :-S don’t go round & round! You news to give yourself a minimum of 3 more weeks. Take it easy. Rest whenever u can. Stay calm, pray if u do, have quiet time (BTW I’m going to work on taking my own advice LOL) message/email Me anytime to talk/vent. Anything!! Sending you support and Love and prayers! !
Rebecca – you give good advice, but I agree that you should take care to take the advice yourself, too! We do have a long road ahead, but sometimes it does get frustrating when we are the ones sitting on the sidelines watching the other kids play…
Thank u. & yes I’m “trying” to take my own advice…We do have a long road ahead & yes its hard to watch the others play As you said. I think Its just As hard when it feels like I’m the only one around me that can see how long the road is. Some act as if I have a boo-boo that has a band-aid on it! & others act like they get it…As in “your not healed from your boob job yet?” ahhhhhh!!!! I wanna say People…I was cut up cleavage on both sides all the down sides, around my back more than 1/2! Then used those incisions to cut out all breast tissue & my 3 huge tumors, skin & then place 1600 ccs of fluid behind my chest muscles. But yes I’ll be fine tomorrow at home by myself with 2 children…Sorry I had to get That off my chest. Oops I didn’t even realize the irony until I read it back. Maybe I need my own blog-sorry I’m using yours to rant. I felt like you said today, my brain ugh…I couldn’t find words, could not think of what I was trying to say. Frustrating! Well the blessing that has come out of this is I have realized some friends are not! & have had family let me down beyond belief. & then people I didn’t even know are amazing giving, loving people. & the BRCA ladies Like you have given me smiles when tears are flowing & the feeling I’m not alone, which Is a persistent, painful emotion.
Your “bandaid” comment hit the nail on the head. We had an amputation. It was painful. It will be painful for a while…especially emotionally. When people look at me like “what is wrong with you?” because I have my face contorted in pain or because I wince when they bump into me I just want to scream!!! If we had had our arms or legs cut off, no one would be rolling their eyes at our pain. Sigh. Rant all you want…I had a bad day and I can understand the need for a good rant once in a while!
1st Thank You for allowing my rant! Sorry You had a bad day too! I hope your night & weekend Are better! & You are exactly, exactly right about the amputation. That has really been emotionally Hard for me this week. The loss… Also, I’ve had a complete hysterectomy @29 (I’m 35). I’m not sure if that’s in your past of future (Sorry if I missed it- I have to blame it on surgery brain!) But FYI if your really feeling down about the losses of all your female parts don’t tell anyone it makes you feel like your not even a woman…it doesn’t go over to well, you can take it from my personal experience. You can however tell me, I get it. & being told well you already used them to grow/carry your children and nourish them with your milk so you don’t need them anymore is an absolute assinine thing to say. Oh the things people say. & these Are close, close people. Ugh. But that’s not to say I take for granted I was able to “use” them before I “lost” them. It’s all just hard. Thanks again for letting me get that out. Just when I feel like I have no one to share this with…here comes your blog ; -)
Aww well I’m glad you found an outlet. I have no kids yet, so I do mourn the loss of my ability to breast feed (esp. since my Mom’s a lactation consultant) but I’m going to try to keep my ovaries as long as I can (I’m 29 an BRCA2+). I would probably punch someone that said those things to me, so good for you for just saving your rant for here! 🙂 I’m trying not to let ignorant people make me a violent or angry person!
Sent from my iPhone
Yes & as I said those are people close to me.
I’ll try to be nice & say their intentions weren’t bad… & I understand – unfortunately I have become angry, & its been hard to lay down, well as you see it still bothers me. I pray you will have babies and I am sorry you will not nurse be able to them. I don’t know what your into since your not their yet it may change…but I would have lots of skin to skin contact (ur mom will probably rec. too) and “wear” them too, so you get to experience that extra loving mommy/baby time. And our surgeries were done so we could be around for our little ones. I’m disappointed in things that could be different but I’m here…So that’s a beautiful gift. I hope my comments to you don’t come off as one of the people we’re talking about : -/ well you have a Great, restful weekend!!
No, that’s exactly how I feel. We did this so we could watch our babies grow up! I will probably never put my baby down if I’m blessed with one 🙂
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That’s right we Did! & no, don’t ever worry about holding them too much…pah-leeeze! 😉 its one of the best feelings in the world. Don’t put them down