This is my surgery in a graphic (but mine will be done bi-laterally)! I think finding this picture just made explaining my surgery 50,000X easier. I guess I still will have to explain what AlloDerm is, but even though I think it’s cool, that seems to gross people out, so click the link if you dare…

My parents are saints because they’ve been dealing with my “I NEED THE LEACHCO BODY PILLOW” rants and my repeated requests for things like Dr. Pepper Chapstick, but here’s my list so far (for home and the hospital) – you tell me what I’m forgetting.

Already Have:

• Two sets of silky front-button stretchy pajamas (GOODWILL!)
• A silky robe to put over stuff at the hospital to make it easier to slide out of bed
• Two sweatshirts with inside pockets to hold drains
• A ZILLION tank tops that I can just pull up
• Button down comfy shirts and dress shirts
• Sweatpants of all colors shapes and sizes (I wish I could start wearing them now!)
• Dr. Pepper Chapstick (about 5!)
• Some dry shampoo from a dear friend
• Netflix and Cable and zillions of books
• Front closure bras of all shapes and sizes
• Shower chair from my brother who JUST got over a really bad leg break

The rest is on my Amazon wishlist (my parents don’t quite get the concept so they may have already bought things…I know I will get all of these things, though – eventually):

http://www.amazon.com/wishlist/1R3QBOBZ7FJQH/ref=sr_1_1_acs_wl_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1330468846&sr=8-1-acs

What am I forgetting ladies?

Why are there only “specialty” items for young mastectomy patients? WHERE ARE THE ZEBRA PRINT ZIP UP BRAS? Where is the lacy lingerie that doesn’t have 8 million hooks and eyes on the back of it? It’s no wonder we have body issues…we look like frumpy old ladies in what we can put on.

Honestly…do bra makers not see the market for this? Plunging neckline sports bras with front-closure so that I can wear a lower cut shirt? It will be MAY APRIL when I will be recovering…what am I going to do? Wear a turtle neck? C’mon Komen…you’ve “pinkwashed” everything else, so why is no one on this?

I refuse to wear this:

I feel alone in my outrage, though. Everyone just keeps telling me to deal with it…but I’m almost 30 and single – you try getting laid with a bra like that!

*Edited to be made public 2/22/12*

The final straw to the crying at work saga was reached when my boss said “I know you are hurting inside, but you have to find a way to put on a brave face outside”.

I got an appointment with my PCP for the next day and he put me back on my normal cocktail… numbing, but restraining just the same. The only thing I care about is getting through this… everything else will either be there on the other side, or it won’t. Like I’ve said a million times… all I can control (albeit not well) is myself. I’m trying, and I guess that’s all I can do.

*Updated to be made public on 3/1/12*

Don’t ask me to go into the insurance drama, but let’s just say that University of Maryland didn’t feel it was necessary to tell me that they are now “out of network” under my work’s insurance plan.

Their response: “Oh, but you’ve got 80/20 coverage out of network, so that’s great!” Fuck you. I’ve got over $6K in medical bills (most of them from YOU) and you want me to pay 20% of an ultrasound? A biopsy? Possibly a surgery? Are you fucking kidding me?

So… I’m switching. I will officially be a patient of INOVA. I am seeing Dr. Constanza Cocilova (whose nurse has assured me that she will review all my path reports BEFORE recommending an invasive lumpectomy), and I feel a little more at ease. My anxiety about this lump grows daily based on the reaction at UMD when the radiologist did the follow-up ultrasound on 12/28, but at the same time, I feel relieved to have a doctor just 5 minutes away. Don’t get me wrong, I’m apprehensive to switch from an environment I’ve known for the last 4 years (and one that is much more convenient for my Mom) but ultimately, this is better. Much better.

*This post was edited to be made public on 2/23/12*